When Your Daughter Looks in the Mirror

February 26, 2017 by Stacy McAnulty

When a five-year-old girl looks in the mirror, what does she see? Hopefully, she spots a friend. Someone she's going to make silly faces at and try to out maneuver. What does this girl see when she's eight? Or thirteen? Or sixteen?

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? I see someone who needs to stand up straight and suck in her belly--a belly that has carried three children, the smallest of whom was eight pounds, thirteen ounces. A belly that also prefers Krispy Kreme to sit ups. A belly that I hate.

And my daughters have picked up on this. Eventually, the mirror will stop being a friend and become a harsh critic. Ninety-seven percent of women will have an I-Hate-My-Body thought today.

We can blame TV, the internet, and glossy fashion magazines for an unrealistic expectation of beauty. We can blame air-brusing and Photoshop. But girls first learn about beauty standards from mom and other important women in their lives. My girls first learned it from me. Looking in the mirror, are you complaining about your gray hairs, crooked nose, or your weight? Are you setting the unrealistic expectations?

While working on my book BEAUTIFUL, I needed to redefine my essential definition of beauty.

I read dozens of posts and quotes on beauty. Watched numerous Dove commercials. And looked at the research on the subject--everything from the golden ratio, which mathematically examines feature placements on a face, to the studies on why men place a higher value on looks in their mate than women do.

And of course, I checked out Merriam-Webster's definition of beauty: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit

I finally settled on this.

Beauty is a confidence driven by what you do and how you feel.

I'm never going to have a flat stomach. My hair will forever require chemicals. The laugh lines are here to stay. But what I can ultimately control is what I say to the girl in the mirror. "You're a good mom! And you rock those jeans."

Be kind to yourself. It matters! Your daughters are listening.

Beautiful: Hard to Define

August 28, 2016 by Stacy McAnulty

Beautiful (written by me and illustrated by Joanne Lew-Vriethoff) is a book of few words. But the topic of beauty and how it impacts girls is incredibly complicated. My editor Lisa wrote me a four-page letter while we were revising this book, and I sent her back the polished manuscript and an essay. I believe it's the first time she'd ever received an essay with a picture book manuscript.

I'd love to share with you some of the things Lisa and I learned while creating this book. (Don't worry. It's not the full essay.)

We compliment little girls on their looks and not other strengths. I've noticed that I do this often. Meeting a young girl, I might say, "You're so cute," or "I love your hair." However, with a little boy, I might notice a dinosaur shirt and ask, "Do you like dinosaurs?" I need to stop making appearances the first part of the conversation. Compliments are great, but I now try to look deeper.

The mirror is different for everyone. Women often use the mirror to study flaws: wrinkles, gray hairs, bags under the eyes. Men, more often, see their positive traits. Young children can consider a mirror a toy and enjoy making goofy faces or trying to outwit their reflection. Is there a way to keep young girls from seeing the mirror as a tool for self-criticism?

Some Interesting Research:

72% of girls feel tremendous pressure to be beautiful (Dove Self-Esteem Project)
Only 11% of girls globally are comfortable describing themselves as ‘beautiful’ (Dove Self-Esteem Project)
55%-59% of girls between the ages of 6 and 8 think they need to be thinner. (Common Sense Media Research)
53% of 13-year-old American girls are "unhappy with their bodies." (National Institute on Media and the Family)
78% of 17-year-old American girls are "unhappy with their bodies." (National Institute on Media and the Family)

My definition of beauty. My editor asked me to create a definition for this book. What did I want to convey? After reading countless articles, blog posts, and research, this is my definition of what it means to be BEAUTIFUL.

True beauty is a confidence found in what you do and how you feel. When a girl is doing something kind or challenging or fun, her inner beauty overwhelms her exterior, no matter what she wears or how her hair looks. When a girl feels empowered or strong or smart, the same thing happens.