Seven Compliments for Your Daughter that Have Nothing to Do With Looks

My daughters are beautiful. I’ve thought this from the moment their wrinkly little bodies were placed in my arms. I still think that now that they’re teens and will until I die. And I used to tell them all the time in different ways. I love your hair, your eyes, your smile. You look great in blue, green, stripes. My thought was that if I tell them they’re beautiful enough times, they wouldn’t need to hear from society and future tattoo-barring, motorcycle-riding, aspiring-drummer boyfriends. But now I think that approach was incomplete.

Yes. My girls are beautiful. Yes, they deserve compliments. All girls do. But let’s compliment what makes then truly beautiful.

1. Her Intelligence

Tell her she has a big fat brain capable of learning anything. When she uses that big fat brain, make a big deal over it. Let’s start calling our daughters Geniuses as often as we call then Princesses.

2. Her Hard Work

Try-fail. Try-fail. Try-fail. Try-succeed. Isn’t this the secret of life—at least one of them?  “You did it! You kept practicing, and you learned to tie your shoes!” Isn’t that more important than telling her that her shoes are “way cute!”?

3. Her Sense of Humor

Laughter is the best medicine and can be a quite a compliment. Laugh too hard and too long at her jokes.

4. Her Toughness

Learning to take the blows that life hands out is not easy. When your daughter gets back up, you should be more pumped than Mickey in a Rocky movie.

5. Her Kindness

“You can accomplish by kindness what you cannot by force.” -Publilius Syrus, Roman writer. 

Why do we underestimate the power of kindness? If your daughter is putting someone else’s concerns before her own, throw the confetti and break out the compliments.

6. Her Leadership

We’ve all heard this recent warning: Don’t call her bossy. When your daughter steps up and takes charge, reward that initiative. Don’t tell her she’s bossy, tell her she is A Boss!

7.  Her Originality

Over seven billion people on earth and there’s no one exactly like her. No one else has the same passions, goals, struggles, and abilities. She is irreplaceable. Celebrate her uniqueness.

So go forth and compliment your little girls. Often. Loud. And honestly.

Beautiful: Hard to Define

Beautiful (written by me and illustrated by Joanne Lew-Vriethoff) is a book of few words. But the topic of beauty and how it impacts girls is incredibly complicated. My editor Lisa wrote me a four-page letter while we were revising this book, and I sent her back the polished manuscript and an essay. I believe it's the first time she'd ever received an essay with a picture book manuscript.

I'd love to share with you some of the things Lisa and I learned while creating this book. (Don't worry. It's not the full essay.)

We compliment little girls on their looks and not other strengths. I've noticed that I do this often. Meeting a young girl, I might say, "You're so cute," or "I love your hair." However, with a little boy, I might notice a dinosaur shirt and ask, "Do you like dinosaurs?" I need to stop making appearances the first part of the conversation. Compliments are great, but I now try to look deeper.

The mirror is different for everyone. Women often use the mirror to study flaws: wrinkles, gray hairs, bags under the eyes. Men, more often, see their positive traits. Young children can consider a mirror a toy and enjoy making goofy faces or trying to outwit their reflection. Is there a way to keep young girls from seeing the mirror as a tool for self-criticism?

Some Interesting Research:

• 72% of girls feel tremendous pressure to be beautiful (Dove Self-Esteem Project)
• Only 11% of girls globally are comfortable describing themselves as ‘beautiful’  (Dove Self-Esteem Project)
• 55%-59% of girls between the ages of 6 and 8 think they need to be thinner. (Common Sense Media Research)
• 53% of 13-year-old American girls are "unhappy with their bodies." (National Institute on Media and the Family)
• 78% of 17-year-old American girls are "unhappy with their bodies." (National Institute on Media and the Family)
   

My definition of beauty. My editor asked me to create a definition for this book. What did I want to convey? After reading countless articles, blog posts, and research, this is my definition of what it means to be BEAUTIFUL.

True beauty is a confidence found in what you do and how you feel. When a girl is doing something kind or challenging or fun, her inner beauty overwhelms her exterior, no matter what she wears or how her hair looks. When a girl feels empowered or strong or smart, the same thing happens.